It's a downswing. I am in a downswing, a big one. This is rough, kids.

I am getting a big cold shoulder from the Powers That Be, re: new blog. If I don't hear from them, there is no blog and no prospect for me and I look like a dumb fuck in front of E.

I'm just trying to keep going, at this point. Take care of the details, hope that the rest will come. More than anything, I am afraid of losing E, really afraid. I can't tell him that, though, or show him, because that's an even quicker way to fuck everything up.

I don't really know what I'm doing here. I am so tired of crying. What happened to the girl who never cried? Who is this person that gets up and works all day and doesn't eat, and doesn't see anyone, and cries all night, and earns no money and gets no breaks?

You know, all I need is just one friend that I can call and cry to. Just one person to call right now, someone that would listen to me weep for a few minutes. I would feel so much better.

Fuck.