Just got back from saying goodbye to my grandmother, for the last time certainly this time. Dad was barely holding together. His wife cried. Gramma, of course, was mostly clueless about the whole operation, but sweeter than ever and with a certain glint in her eye. I think she's happy to go live with my aunt. I would be too, it's okay.

Anyways I'm still horribly emotional and feeling very grown up. Not pregnant, no job, family issues, money issues, nobody to turn to. This is what it means to be an adult, then. Make decisions. Shoulder burdens. Drive away dry-eyed, cry in the car, arrive dry-eyed at the other end. How very like my father - except I suspect he skips the crying part altogether.

My mother, meanwhile, up and went to Reno with no warning, leaving me alone in the house with 2 cats 2 dogs and 3 fishes on Saturday night. I don't want to call anyone, don't really know if I can hang right now. I have some yay and old E powder; I'm tempted to get splendidly mind-numbingly drunk, snort it all, and attempt to spiral blindly into a state of catharsis.

Will probably do just that.

I'm really looking forward to seeing S tomorrow (hi S!). It's funny, but all those truths I have to hide from everyone else, I can tell to her with no problem.

Which brings me back around to the role of the blog.
and the King of Pentacles, or was it Diamonds? and the need to have secrets
and the lack of a partnership in my life.