oh lord, you know. I have a breakdown. It came tonight, which is a horrible night for it to have come, but it happened anyway.
So many things, and so many things I can't admit to anyone, cause of my stupid pride. Pride pride pride.
Number one: (edited).
Number two: I have no direction in my life, and I don't want one. I want to wander. I want this to be acceptable. I don't want to have to excuse myself all the time, act like I have some great ambition. There is no ambition, there is only me, wandering and learning and observing and that is the way I want it to be. Why do I have to Do Something with my life? My life is insignificant, just a speck on the film reel. I find great comfort in this, especially when I'm wrapped up in a crisis like I am tonight.
Number three: I have to stop taking care of other people. I have to stop giving myself away. I need to shut down, and I don't know how. I don't know how. I don't know how. I don't know how to live a life that doesn't involve at least ten hangers-on who are sucking up my energy. I don't want to be a hermit, not an island, but I don't want leeches. I want friends and family who are able to take care of themselves, who don't depend on my strength. I need to change all my relationships, every single one, from the ground up.
I can't stop crying. I am so lonely that I turned to the dog for company, but she was asleep and she blinked at me blearily from her position on the couch, and I, kneeling on the floor, shaded her eyes from the light and told her to go back to sleep.
All my life I've been the pillar. It's usually fine, I prefer it to the codependency and emotional manipulation which seems to be the nature of human relationships... but sometimes, just sometimes I find myself yearning for someone who will reach in. In, not out. I just wish someone would find me, discover me like some kind of rare treasure, want to examine and admire me.
But you know, that happens sometimes and I always get freaked out.
Just a fleck on the screen. this too shall pass. Sometimes it's just a good idea to go to bed.
So many things, and so many things I can't admit to anyone, cause of my stupid pride. Pride pride pride.
Number one: (edited).
Number two: I have no direction in my life, and I don't want one. I want to wander. I want this to be acceptable. I don't want to have to excuse myself all the time, act like I have some great ambition. There is no ambition, there is only me, wandering and learning and observing and that is the way I want it to be. Why do I have to Do Something with my life? My life is insignificant, just a speck on the film reel. I find great comfort in this, especially when I'm wrapped up in a crisis like I am tonight.
Number three: I have to stop taking care of other people. I have to stop giving myself away. I need to shut down, and I don't know how. I don't know how. I don't know how. I don't know how to live a life that doesn't involve at least ten hangers-on who are sucking up my energy. I don't want to be a hermit, not an island, but I don't want leeches. I want friends and family who are able to take care of themselves, who don't depend on my strength. I need to change all my relationships, every single one, from the ground up.
I can't stop crying. I am so lonely that I turned to the dog for company, but she was asleep and she blinked at me blearily from her position on the couch, and I, kneeling on the floor, shaded her eyes from the light and told her to go back to sleep.
All my life I've been the pillar. It's usually fine, I prefer it to the codependency and emotional manipulation which seems to be the nature of human relationships... but sometimes, just sometimes I find myself yearning for someone who will reach in. In, not out. I just wish someone would find me, discover me like some kind of rare treasure, want to examine and admire me.
But you know, that happens sometimes and I always get freaked out.
Just a fleck on the screen. this too shall pass. Sometimes it's just a good idea to go to bed.
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