it's been a tough day. I am retreating, I will myself to retreat, I find myself a niche a nest and I can't tell you how much I want to know for sure that this place is safe. If I could build it all of thorns I would, you know.

This place is safe. I am safe here. I have to believe it.

So here's the deal: it's

-Tensiontensiontension aargh. Tomorrow I may or may not hear about the job, but I am definitely buying a few pregnancy tests. Was going to pick some up today, but had no time. Friday is my mom's last day at her job, and I just spent an hour being a total jerk to her, trying to make her feel better while she cried and cried. Before that I spent the whole day at my dad's office, working my ass off and getting nowhere, and trying to make dad feel better. They're so understaffed for this whole thing (transition to new electronic records system) and it's his pet project, and he's bearing the brunt of it and he's just worn down. But I have to say, he is SO MUCH STRONGER UNDER PRESSURE than my mom is. It's his whole emotional-detachment thing, which i definitely inherited. Double-edged sword, anyone?

Anyways, on Friday night it's the goodbye dinner for my grandmother who is being shipped off to Virginia to live under my aunt's care until such time as she chooses to kick the bucket. So I'll probably never see her again. She taught me to paint.

Did I mention I might be pregnant? And moving to San Francisco on Monday?

and: did I ever have any doubts about moving back to my hometown? Because I really should have thought it through. Every day here is a family crisis. And they're going to tear me a new asshole for moving away again. They prey on psychic power, these people...

(edited)

Fucking webs we weave. I don't know, you know, it's these edges, they cut sometimes. So here I am, retreating. Seems easier than trying to explain myself publicly. It's an outlet. Clearly I need one. Don't we all?