and in the middle of doing the dishes I have made a decision to live more passionately. You know? More life, more feeling. Less acceptance of things that are almost-right. Not refusing to cry, refusing to love, refusing to get angry.

No more personal conservatism, apprehension, stability-over-freedom.

For a long time now, I've talked a great game, and I've lived the life I wanted in fact - but I haven't risked opening my heart, not for a long time. And so, no matter what I do, I end up here, in mediocrity. Unfulfilled.

So this morning - and maybe it had something to do with that documentary on Louise Brooks, or winning at poker - I decided, just out of the blue like that. To be unstable again, volatile, intricate.

Perhaps this is just my ego blossoming beyond restraint. But I think restraint has served its purpose, for me, for now.


The last time I made a decision, it was to let myself be more free and creative - and look where that got me (hint: it's good).


I think this sort of decision, welling up from inside of me with no warning and no pretense and no rationale, is the sort of decision I can't not make.

anyway, I think it means that I might have to learn how to dance.