Jasmine and I figured it all out tonight*. It goes like this:

1. The unavailable (emotionally)
2. The codependent
3. The stable and openminded
4. The alien from outerspace

#1 is the one we are in love with.
#2 is the one(s) in love with us, who we hate.
#3 is the ideal we haven't met yet (except, in her case, as someone else's husband - and possibly, in my case, as something i'm trying not to think about)
#4 is known to both of us, and runs the gamut from stalker to heartbreaker (with no happy equilibrium, poor chap)

...and furthermore, we now know why neither one of us can imagine having a coherent relationship; this is because we have both spent our lives surrounded by horribly incoherent relationships, and we don't understand how they are supposed to work**.

I am waiting for a phone call from a recently-returned adventurer who is not calling me, possibly because I possibly don't want him to. I am waiting for a call from a #1 who wants to be a #3. I am wishing I had never had my cards read, because if the cards hadn't told me it was hopeless, then maybe I would have some hope for this relationship***.

I am looking for the exit. I am wondering about this quest for love in all the places, and exactly how far I am prepared to travel in the name of a romantic ideal which may or may not be attainable.

It's all very dramatic****.

I'm going to bed (alone and with my dreams).


*this is a lie
**this is an excuse
***this is a defense mechanism
****although i secretly suspect it's quite simple in the end