I tied my hair up in knots this morning and went to the grower's market where it is hot and unrelenting

my mother is in her post-birthday passive-agressive depression and I am ready to leave this house, get out and go and do something, paint a new picture of a new person living somewhere far away

the cycle of escapism
surrealism and fantasy are my avoidance tactics

Frantic phone calls from good friends gone ga-ga
a duty neglected, another five expected:
Having committed myself to nothing, I find still that things have been committed to me, simply because these women want me to do them.

I have always said that I understand boys more than girls, and maybe this is it: the desire to be in control, strong, unfettered; while my mother sits downstairs and plays solitaire with lips pursed, or in response to accusations made by people who call me too frequently and frantically, all I want is to be gone away and in charge again

or maybe it's just my own weakness that lets me feel so put-upon. if I could find the strength I would ignore the wanting wives, or else treat them better, and not need to run away

but either way
I am disgusted by the past and fearful of the future
my scope is very limited, one month or two
and still i don't know where to go or what to do.


So there's that.